26 Apr The language of Feelings

Feelings are something we have and usually are not paid too much attention towards. It is just there. In my work as a therapist, I have learned that feelings follow a roadmap and are not independent and without meaning. These maps make so much meaning when pieced together. Sometimes they appear in straight lines and sometimes via many other points. What is important is where the feelings come from. This can be described as levels. Like if your inner 5 year old gets triggered loving xmas you can easily make decisions like a 5 year does.

Another  example is if you feel angry. The first question you usually get or ask yourself: is “why are you angry”. Meaning “that is your reason for being angry”, “can I allow myself to feel angry. And if the reason is not obvious, you should not feel what you are feeling. However, feelings just are. It is up to you to listen. Listening does not meen acting out. Feelings often have a subtle language that you need to listen to. Because it can teach you something about yourself. Feelings are information to you, and by listening carefully you get in touch with nuances. It brings colours into your life. And can help you in your decision making.

Depth of feelings in life reveals itself when listening. One couple came to me – let’s call them Tom and Hannah. Hannah had been unfaithful and it was very understandable why Tom was angry. What came forth after some time was that the anger had deeper roots as his father had been unfaithful and had been fathering a girl that Tom only learned about after his fathers passing. Thus Tom´s anger was bearing much frustration towards the possibility of sustaining intimate healthy relations. Could he trust again? In acknowledging the sadness underneath, Tom became less angry and started a grieving process that was more authentic and took him closer to the man he wanted to be.

The feelings everyone wants are joy and happiness. Many have searched this outside themself. “When I have this, I will be happy”. This is a trick for you to search outside yourself, and the only one who gains is for the people selling what you think you need to make you happy. To feel happy / content / joyful you need to be present in life. And presence comes from accepting what is and being connected to what is within me. Presence is also a prerequisite to have meaningful relationships, that make you feel loved.

Why all this focus on feelings? Because it is the difference between having a good life and being unhappy. All the things outside might be the same, but one is happy and the other not. Feelings need to be seen and the more challenging relations you have been brought up in, the harder it is to find ways of coping with feelings. Most of us have never been taught that where you focus your attention, it will color your feelings. Feelings will change according to how you think and your thinking will change according to how you feel.

Something I see affecting feelings much, is the feeling of the feeling of influence. Many couples I see feel disempowered because it is up to the partner to change…… However, if you change the total of what you bring in yourself, things might change. The only thing you control is your own input. But changing your own feelings is not necessarily that easy. What you can do is  1) listen, 2) focus attention differently, look for what makes you feel good 3) give it time. Usually feelings that persist are trying to tell you something. 4) Listen again.

We have not spoken about shame. Because most people do not want to feel shameful or even talk about it. However shame is unseen barriers that hinder you in feeling good about yourself. Usually we talk to ourselves in a way that we would never talk to a friend. Thus we can practice being our own best friend.

When you do not listen to your feelings, you suppress them. Going into hiding usually they end up controlling your behaviour, the opposite of what you often believe. The only difference is that you are unaware of your motivation. In working with feelings, I see the beauty in all people. The differences come out and it is easy to find empathy for them. The job of building a relational bridge becomes easy. Getting to know the feeling life reduces judgement. The more I know, the less I judge.  

Carol came to see me on autumn evening. She was very depressed. In a manner of a few months everything changed. She started to listen to her feelings and learned that expressing them on paper was very useful to make sense of what was going on. Listening to her feelings and seeing them gave her a much better quality of life.