14 Feb Power struggle

In relationships there are always one or more power struggles going on. It can be spoken out loud and silent through for example actions like not doing what your partner asks of you. When I say always, it does not mean that it is going on all the time. If it had, it would be very exhausting. 

According to Oxford dictionary a power struggle means “holding an unpleasant or violent competition for control”. Due to it being unpleasant, we in one or more ways try to avoid the implicit or explicit power struggle. However, in any film or series, if this  does not involve any power struggle, it becomes boring. And it implies lack of change. All challenging change involves an internal or external struggle. 

When we are children our parents or caregivers hold power over us. And because they are our first experience of love, our brains are hardwired to interlink love with a struggle for power. The more repressed you were growing up the more you have to prove your worth or capability. Therefore most of our power struggles are unconscious. 

And it is important for me to say that a competition to be in control, is how we become independent and get to learn our own boundaries. Often power struggles are in connection with the other crossing of boundaries. Therefore learning to communicate our boundaries are imperative. It is thus important to ask yourself what you have learned about setting boundaries growing up. What did you learn from your family growing up? 

What you learned growing up is the unconscious road map that you navigate by. For example if you learned that you would be frozen out or punished, when crossing a boundary that often has not been communicated prior, you learn that you need to anticipate others boundaries to avoid punishment. 

Whatever experience you have, when you engage with another human being in an intimate relationship, you will have to communicate your boundaries. And these boundaries change with age.Thus it is important to evolve in order to have an alive relationship.

In my more that 30 years of relationship with my husband and being a couple therapist, most people think that we never argue. That is very wrong. We argue, have periods of sulking, feel this is not working, feel disappointed and more. Being in an alive relationship, where you one day are in the mood to be joked with and other times feeling very vulnerable imply that conflicts are inevitable. Wanting different things gives rise to conflict. So it is not about avoiding conflict, it is about learning to get out of a conflict. 

We have in our years together learned what it takes to resolve an emotional entanglement. Being vulnerable and learning to own our feelings. Learning to talk about how things are for you and not chasing around in the blame game. Sometimes we manage and sometimes we fall in the trap. But knowing that it is possible to resolve, gives security. 

Power struggles help you get in touch with your own power. It makes you more independant. It all boils down to how you interpret what is happening. You can focus on what your partner does wrong or you can look at how you contribute  in continuing the struggle. Whatever part you are playing, you are playing a part in this game. Even if you accept violence that is done by the other, you are the one staying. AND, it is not easy to be bold. We often need many rounds before we find the resilience to stay in your decision, 

True power is an internal feeling and comes with training. When you feel empowered, there is not much use in a power struggle. It only becomes exhausting. But on the way to become empowered we need to learn to handle conflicts. Not to stay in them, but move through. 

In love and peace

Monica