10 Jan Jealousy

Jealousy is not something we choose. It is not rational either. I am talking in this blog about normal jealousy, not possessiveness. As jealousy is about fear of loss, it can lead to wanting to hold on in a possessive way. Nonetheless the unhealthy possessiveness, having to do with the feeling of a right to control someone else and is more about entitlement. It can look the same, but must be treated differently. 

Some years ago when the kids were young, I had a nightmare. I still remember the terrible feeling that I woke up with. It was so bad that I had to phone my husband at work. Being home sick added to the feeling of helplessness. On the phone half asleep and half awake I asked him why he did it. He replied as expected; “What have I done?” “Why did you choose Mary (a colleague of his)?” I replied. He was of course very puzzled. I explained my dream. The dream was short. I heard the doorbell ring and opened the door to find Mary (his younger and very beautiful colleague) standing outside with an arm around each of our kids, saying to me “I am taking over”, as she walked in. 

I was replaced in my dream, and woke up with a strong feeling of jealousy. It stayed with me the whole day. Yes, it was not rational, though very real. I had several similar dreams like that in that period concerning different women. The dreams projected the feeling of insecurity. We were going through a rough patch in our relationship, where our hectic lives with small children, both full time jobs and too much to do. Looking back it was very understandable that I had those feelings.  

At that time I was going through my psychotherapy training, learning to look behind the feelings. Not to judge them, but rather looking at what they were trying to convey. It is easy to judge jealousy, and part of my learning was to find some empathy towards the young child in me who felt unloved. This was my insecurity and not about my husband. However hard this was to accept, this is what gave release. 

I have had periods later where I have felt the same contractive feeling. This has always been in periods where I have not felt so good about myself. Seeing that gave me the clue to how I could deal with this. Having empathy for my inner child and choosing to focus my attention elsewhere helped. And if this strategy was not enough I choose to talk to my husband about my feelings, Not accusing him, but more expressing myself.

Working as a couple counsellor has given me many opportunities to witness how challenging jealousy can be. Especially if the trust has been broken by crossing the boundaries. Adultery is something different and I will talk about that later. 

Dealing with my own fear of losing my loved one is what this is about. In my work I look for the underlying fear to meet the fear of the inner child. It is up to you to express that fear and not blame the other. 

Please leave a comment below on how you deal with jealousy in your relationship.

In love and expanded consciousness:  

Monica <3