11 Apr Feelings

Romance and love is rooted in feelings, and what usually happens is that we, after our significant other starts to become valuable to us, start to modify behaviour to act as we think is appropriate. This is one of the roots to our challenges and I will return to this later. 

In order for us to sustain feelings we need to be present. This presence is what makes us notice our feelings and synchronize our feelings with our partner. Since our childhood we often have been asked why we feel like we do. For example, when angry we often receive a question as to why we are angry. If we are angry for something the adults around us believe there is no reason to be upset about, we are told not to be angry. Our feelings are invalidated and we learn to ignore them. Also, we learn to first ask why I feel the way I feel rather than being curious about what is going on inside me. This implicit learning often becomes part of our navigational field without becoming conscious of the reactionary pattern. 

Often we have been shamed as children for our feelings. Many cultures uphold the notion that as girls we should not be angry and as boys we should not cry. For me growing up with a temperament, being angry was not associated with a great feeling. Thus I tried to hide it, and as a result, I pressed it down until I could not hold it longer, only to find that I did not only get angry but I would start to cry also because the shame was so big. 

As an adult I have learned to become curious about my feelings. I have learned that feelings have their own language. Working as a therapist I have witnessed that feelings are the true component for potential healing. It can be important to understand why, but often we put too focused on the why, in a way that we lose touch with the depth of what is going on.  We conclude that we should not feel the way we feel, and thus do not see the all important connections. Not seeing connections makes us blind to our own parts in the relationship. It is easy to see what happens to us, but we are often blind to our own part in making it so.

Being curious without judgment is what allows us to become aware. It gives us the possibility to change an unhealthy pattern, thus making us more empowered. Particularly in an intimate relationship, we often judge what is an appropriate response based on what we believe is normal. And when our partner does something outside “our” scope we often think it is lack of interest or lack of love. 

Tom had been together with Mary for 4 years. When he stopped asking how her day was, she interpreted that to be “because he did not love her anymore”. Tom on the other hand was convinced that the relationship was soon ending, due to her lack of interest in having intimate encounters. She was weighing her options as to have a child with him, as she was worried that the child would grow up in a loveless relationship. This was only discovered when she had an affair with a colleague and they came to see me. If they managed to restore a trusting relationship, I do not know. But what was very clear was that because they did not talk and express their feelings, they both interpreted the other’s behaviour in the worst way. Leading to their immediate crisis.

When you love someone you automatically start to modify what you say and not, because you do not want to hurt your partner. Or be hurt yourself. This is only natural. However, when feelings are not listened to they are like a seed that is not nourished. After years you tend to find the relationship predictable and not satisfactory. It provides safety but no real interaction. We need to be brave to express vulnerability and longings. Knowing that our heart opens up and responds to feelings we often find a development of feelings for someone else, after a while. This is because it is often easier to open up to someone else as they dont mean so much to us, not knowing that this often leads to feelings..

Being authentic with your feelings is key to keeping the relationship alive, and many of us do not dare to do so because they do not know how to handle a conflict. All you know is that you do not like having a conflict with your partner. Here it is imperative that you talk about how you feel yourself rather than what your partner is doing. If you talk about your partner you are likely to hit resistance. 

In order to keep an emotional relationship flourishing you need to be present and relate with your partner. Feelings breath and live when you are honest and authentic. Feelings are like small children that must be seen, but not given the power to rule. After all, a relationship that is meaningful is based on feelings.