14 Mar Communication in intimate relations

For every couple – communication is important. You can hurt  with what you say and you can hurt yourself with what you say or not. The reason communication is so important is because this is a major way we connect. Connecting is how we relate. We can also communicate physically or by action in order to stay in contact. Communicating is the means however to which we reach out to our partner. Even if you know them, you are not a mind reader (for most of us anyway).

In a couple we get to know the other person and thus we can interpret unhappiness or wellness just by the way we walk, our voice or the mere presence. Unfortunately we often forget to ask why. For example our partner can be in a really bad mood. The only way to find out if this is due to the argument last night or because of something happening at work or otherwise remains to be asked about. Because we often feel we should know, we do not check it out. This gives rise to many misunderstandings.

Me and my partner started studying psychology at different times. For us we started to ask and tell each other how things had affected us, our story and got much more into each other’s world. As we had small children at that time, we were unable to go out so much. We thus dedicated a space in the house to “our cafe”. This became our sacred space where we communicated what was going on inside ourselves.  It was a way we could explore.

Setting aside time is one thing that can help. Giving a frame is also important. Giving a frame is setting a context that prepares the other for what is coming. Staring to say “I drove past my friend walking the baby in the pram. And this reminded me of….” Instead of saying “when are we going to have a kid?” It can steer the direction of the conversation in a very different direction. Just saying things is good, but we often forget that our partner is not in our head.

So, setting aside time and giving context to where the conversation is going helps. Also if you talk about how things are for you, instead of your partner tends to not activate the defence mechanisms so much. If I say “I feel left out when you talk to me with half your back turned towards your friend”, instead of “you are so egocentric turning your back to me talking to your friend”. It might be that your partner does not pay attention to you, but if you want a change it is easier to talk about yourself.

Asking questions usually helps to show an interest. An issue I often see in my practice as a relationship therapist is that she is putting words to a feeling problem, and he sees it as his “job” to find a solution. Often he feels very proud of himself and cannot understand why she gets irritated. She very often wants to put words to what is going on in her inner self and feels dumb if the solution is so easy – she could figure it out herself. 

Here there is something that happens often, and not always. If you are the one needing to share it is possible to start off by saying “I need to talk about what happened at work today, and I would like to finish before you say anything. And I do not need advice.” If you are the one thinking “oh my god, this might be going on for all night”, it is possible to set a time limit like “I want to hear what you say, but if we could keep it to half an hour I would be happy, as I have plans to….”

Often you want to be listened to and not given advice. I remember where I stood in the kitchen when I was explaining an issue for me (I don’t remember what) when my husband says “what do you want from me?” This threw me off completely, and got me thinking of a solution myself.

To sum up, some good advice is:

1. set aside some undisturbed time
2. set a context for what you are talking about
3. if you want to give advice, ask if your partners want to hear your thoughts
4. asking what you want from me, helps you stop guessing what your partner needs.
5. talk about your own feelings and not what your partner is doing

Lastly a good thing to say during a discussion is “how do we solve this”, then you are together in what you want to solve. It is not mine or your problem – it is ours.