24 Jan Affairs

Most people talk as if affairs are, a black and white thing. It is not. The easiest thing is to judge and say “if this happens to me, I will go for a clean break up”. My experience as a relationship therapist is showing that this is not the case. If you love someone, you are usually willing to fight. Fight to get to a more honest, open hearted, respectful and nourishing relationship. This crisis can be your teacher showing you what is truly most important to you. And sometimes the affair is too hard to forgive.

Affairs come in all shapes, from feeling guilty kissing someone, to a long going affair. And it is complex in itself. How long this has been going on and how you found out about it are some determining factors for rebuilding trust. Other important questions usually involve:

Was it planned? Did / do you have feelings for the other person? Are you willing to own up to the betrayal? Are you ready to look at what was going on in the relationship prior to the affair?

If you are betrayed it will involve a grieving process. Dealing with the loss of security and trust. Trust being the hardest part in my experience. By hard I mean that the betrayed one needs to go into detail about what happened, with whom, why and how many times this has happened. Over and over again. The culprit in the affair needs to face up being the guilty one. Daring to be there and say with honesty “ I am sorry I hurt you”. “I am sorry that I betrayed your trust.” 

The reason why it is important to go over and over again over the questions is because:

1) the only way the betrayed can trust that this is not going to happen again, is if you truly understand the pain inflicted on your partner.

2) by going over and over the details you are facing up to the reality

3) and, this prosess is way of digesting what happened.

Most people believe that by getting all the details and by assigning blame, the healing can begin. This is not entirely true in my book. At a certain point there is no point in going over the information again and again. But this is months down the road. Not, 2 days after the shocking news. If you are the guilty one, you need to face up to what you have done. You need to feel the pain, the betrayed feels. Saying “it is of no use to go over the past because I cannot change the past”. Yes, this is true. You cannot change the past, but you can change how you feel about the past  and thus how it is affecting you. 

Anyway, betrayal is the first thing that needs to be dealt with. Afterwards, and only afterwards you can look at how the relationship actually was leading up to the affair. What was the one having the affair looking for? Only owing up to that and finding other ways to deal with often a very human need like – needing to feel special, needing attention, needing physical connection etc are important in the sense of finding other ways to get your needs met that are not so destructive. Usually finding out about one’s past growing up helps in answering these questions. Hence, what is your inner child looking for in this grown up body?

One example of the complexity is Cathrin. She grew up with an alcoholic father, and later a drug addict brother, the mother was the only thing stable one in her life. Cathrin spoke with her mum several times a day, and when she died Cathrin lost all sense of feeling good about herself. In this period she had a very understanding colleague, who she first started to chat with and secondly met up with. This led up to a falling in love with this guy and was inevitably discovered by her husband. Cathrine had a very upset and frustrated husband when they came to me. Unravelling layer by layer, Cathrine started to own up to the fact that she was desperately trying to cover up her big void after losing her mother by focusing the attention on the very understanding collega. Not that it is an excuse, but more an explanation.

Unfortunately Cathrine and her husband could not build a connecting bridge. Cathrine understood that she needed to find out who she was – alone, and could see no other possibility than a break up. 

This story did not end so well for this couple, but fortunately I have many stories of couples surviving and connecting again in a more mature loving way. I know personally that it is possible after an affair But, the process takes time and commitment. We are all humans, trying our best (usually). If you cannot talk about it alone, perhaps talking to a third party can be a good alternative. 

Burying an affair only leads to distance and has a way of rearing its head in other areas later. I know of several cases where people have grown apart – starting after an affair. I remember a case about an affair, where the old “forgotten” affair only created distance and was the deep wound in this case. 

Choosing to tell is your choice, as forgiving is also a choice.